The $60 Man

We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have...a copay.

One of my best friends once told me that I had the ability to reinvent myself like no one she’d ever seen before. If you’ve been reading this substack for a while you’ll know that part of the reason driving the move to Colorado was a need to find myself again after having my heart stomped on both personally and professionally.

It’s not me, said Florida. It’s you.

Damn.

You’ll also know that I’ve been quite open about how I’ve felt about Colorado (motto: Yes, it really is that expensive and no, the food will never get better). I’ve felt that was only fair. This substack is not a hagiography of me.¹ I’ve felt that if you were reading this it’s because the rawness of what is in my head and heart speaks to you on some level. Or that you are here on accident. Either way.

So folks, I need to make a confession: I hate myself.

No, not like “hate myself” hate myself, but hate my self. Well, “hate” is too strong too, but let’s just say I’ve never been happy with the way I look. Not for a single day. I’ve always felt like I’ve been in the “almost but not quite” category: almost but not quite good looking, almost but not quite smart, almost but not quite successful. Always on the verge, but never quite there.

And folks, while I have many faults, covetousness has always been among them. I’ve always wanted to look like one of the beautiful people. Maybe just for a day. The kind of person who takes your breath away when you see them. I’ve always wondered how that felt. Now, this is ostensibly a movie blog I think, so I’m aware of the power that pop culture has in playing tricks on our own self esteem. It’s now magnified by social media, influencers, and all those pretty folks out there curating images of perfect faces and bodies and their correlated lovely lives.

But still. Almost, but not quite.

Let me give you an example. I’m grinding my teeth as I type this. My teeth. Godammit my fucking teeth. I hate my teeth. I hate them so much. I actually mean hate in this sense. If you look at pictures of me online, you’ll see that unless the camera caught me off guard, I do not have an open face smile. I will not smile for the camera. It’s because of those teeth. You see, when I was a kid, we were what you call “poor.” And we simply didn’t have resources like “money.” As a result, when young Jason was growing up, he didn’t go to the dentist, let along the orthodontist, so what I’m carrying in my mouth is similar to the train wreck in The Fugitive.

So as a result, I hate smiling. HATE it. Hate hate hatey hate. In The Matrix, Morpheus explains to Neo that inside the Matrix what people see is Neo’s digital projection of his mental self. It’s how he sees himself, despite living in a future where everyone wears gray underwear all the time.² Unfortunately, my mental self does not at all look like Keanu Reeves. So when I think about smiling, all I can imagine is someone having to look at my teeth. And I hate that. So I don’t.

Hold that thought.

I also have trouble with my body. Despite reports to the contrary, I don’t have abs. Well, I do, but they’re stealth abs, concealed by a layer of flesh impenetrable by LIDAR. So I have a midsection. And my legs suck because of a recurring disc injury in my back, which makes it appear that I skip leg day.³

Here’s a weird thing: I still mentally see myself as the odd duck who couldn’t get a girlfriend until well after high school. Even now, terrified of rejection.⁴

So what to do?

I decided that the only thing worse not liking a situation was not liking a situation, having the ability to do something about it, and not doing it. That’s on you. And folks, there is a path.

It’s time to stop bitching and do something.

It’s time for a rebuild, Steve Austin style. But I work for the government and don’t have 60 million dollars. Hell, I’m an American so I don’t even have decent healthcare. I guess the best thing I have is a co-pay. All right then. Let’s get crackin’.

So I thought I might share with you a little about what I’m up to these days. First things first: the teeth. Did you know dental schools will cut you a huge deal to let their students do the work underneath their instructors’ guidance? They will. I almost did this as a grad student at the University of Minnesota so I recently went to the University of Colorado’s Dental School to see about finally getting these chompers fixed. Turns out that they can do the work. I can choose between conventional braces or invisalign. The cost is about $2500 and I can make payments at 0% interest. Unfortunately, I had to get clearance from a local dentist and it turns out that they’re gonna have to do about $700 worth of work to my teeth to accept the anchors for the braces. But ok. $3200 and I get to have nice teeth for the next 25-30 years hopefully. This sounds like a bargain. I’m calling to get the dental appointment going tomorrow.

Next.

Ok, so here’s the big stuff. How do I get right with my physical health? It was time to see everybody. I’m gonna give you the truncated version: I have both hearing loss and tinnitus in my left ear. This means that if my left ear is to you and there’s noise around us, I might not actually hear you. It’s that bad. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do for tinnitus. I wish there was. I’ve just gotten used to it over the past twenty years.

I also had full bloodwork done. For EVERYTHING. Clear on that stuff. But I’m 252 lbs this morning and standing at 6’2” that means my BMI is like 33.1. Now, that’s complicated by the fact that I lift weights and am generally (ok exceptionally) strong. So those numbers are a bit misleading, but the eye test tells me that I need to lose some weight, even if it costs me some muscle too.

Now, I am a little frustrated that my lipids were a bit high. This is because I tend to eat pretty healthy. Sugar is a weakness but that’s about it. I don’t do drugs. I only drink alcohol socially, though I do collect wine.⁵ My dad had a heart attack that killed him. But he was a lifelong smoker and an alcoholic, of which I am neither. But I’m terrified of heart attacks, so I watch this stuff closely. My body weight needs to come down.

I’ve got a bad history of gout that is absolutely crippling. I am the new winner of a lifetime prescription of medication for that. I’m 47. That means it’s time for a colonoscopy. I scheduled that too. Not looking forward to it, but it needs to be done. All in all, though, my doctor said I was in great shape. Just need a little tweaking. I can (hopefully literally) live with that.

In addition to all of this has been a renewed commitment to the gym. Yes, it takes a lot of time and energy, but the reality is that I am simply not the person I want to be when I miss time at the gym. I’m not talking physically. I’m talking mentally and spiritually. I need to work out because without it my work product suffers. My self esteem suffers. My wellbeing suffers. I suffer. And I become a real pain in ass.⁶

So these are things I am doing.

I’m sharing with you because I think it’s important to be real about where we are in life. I’ve been on a real roll the last few months. I’m happier now than at any time I can remember. My career is on fire. I feel like HATM and Reckoning are going to do things. There are other aspects that are intriguing as well.

I’m actively working on living the life that I envision as a successful one. Yes, it is beating the piss out of me at times. Yes, I work nonstop. But I’m not happy unless my hair is on fire anyway. And while the improvements I’m focused on are almost all internal in nature, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share the physical stuff too, because I know a lot of us struggle with that.

So here I am, folks, the $60 Man. I’ll keep ya posted as we rebuild me.

JWH

1. Trust me though, I’m pretty great.

2. I like blue. Now that’s in your head.

3. This is actually a great excuse to skip leg day.

4. And am I ever getting my ass handed to me on that front.

5. Small collection, 50 bottles. Nothing crazy. I like big reds.

6. Just checked. Turns out tomorrow is not leg day either. What a coincidence.