Scheels is the most gloriously batshit store I've ever seen

And I can't wait to go back

I had not planned on going. I didn’t even know there was one in Colorado Springs. But yesterday I found myself inside a Scheels for the first time in my life. And folks, what a ride.

First, a background on Scheels. From what I can tell, the store emerged from the Heartland, and due to all of the statues of Abraham Lincoln (in a sporting goods store), I’m guessing Illinois (more on that later).¹ According to their website, they’re actually from Minnesota. Wait a second, this is the most impressive history page I’ve ever seen from a store. Take a moment and check it out, this is cool and really well done. I’ll be damned.

Well, the Minnesota thing makes sense since the only time I’d ever seen one was during a brief dalliance with a nurse in Rochester.² But thinking it was the equivalent to Dick’s Sporting Goods as Menard’s is to Home Depot, I passed up the opportunity. I forgot about Scheels.

Until yesterday when I drove to Colorado Springs for lunch and a Costco run.³ I made the quick decision between Torchy’s Tacos and Whataburger, going with the former mostly because I could sit outside and look at the mountains. But on the way, I saw Scheels and thought that maybe instead of going to Bass Pro Shops for the latest in fall flannel, I’d take a peek inside. Oh man.

The first thing that hits you about Scheels is its size. A single store is by my eye about 37 acres. Seriously, it’s huge. And it somehow gets bigger once you go inside.

What a lot of stores, Scheels has a bunch of statues outside. Considering the Colorado is a major hunting state, especially for elk. It’s not surprising to see statues of elk hunters with their bows or rifles outside. But I told Colorado also has mountains, and that means that in addition, to the hunters, there were statues of skiers and snowboarders. Plus the aforementioned statue of Lincoln, who I guess liked to get radical from time to time.

The first thing you’ll notice when you walk into Scheels is on the right hand side of the building. There’s a big sign telling you that the company is employee owned. This kind of reminded me of Publix back home though unfortunately that store has political leanings that I can’t say I agree with. Nevertheless, I was heartened to see the pride that the store apparently takes in its employees.

The next thing you’ll notice is a GODDAMN FEERIS WHEEL right in the middle of the store. Scheels is something else. To me this smacks of brilliance. In addition to the Ferris wheel, you could also find a kids play area, an arcade, and a candy store all inside the building. This is great if you have kids who are 4 or 47.

I wasn’t prepared for the incredible compartmentalization of the store. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was looking for more flannel. It’s almost fall here in Colorado and I wanted to get something new. Maybe some new hiking shoes or something else. The selection here, however, is incredible. In fact, I would say, it’s almost overwhelming. There are all the brands that you might expect: Columbia, Arc’teryx, Danner, even Cotopaxi, which I’m told is ugly clothes preferred by fat rich guys who marry my ex girlfriend.

There’s also snowboarding stuff and skiing stuff and sports stuff, dominated by merchandise for the Denver Nuggets, the Colorado Avalanche, Colorado Rockies, and of course, the Denver Broncos. What I wasn’t expecting, was a full-size animatronic of John Elway, greeting me to the store but there he was in all of his Hall of Presidents glory.

The second floor got even wackier. Yes, like Bass Pro Shops or Cabela’s, there’s a hefty selection of housewares and home goods that you can buy, punctuated this time of year by pumpkin spice everything. It’s Colorado so expect pictures of bison and bears everywhere.

What I wasn’t expecting to see you as a full size Lego display at Scheels. But there it was, right in the middle of the damn store. And they had a tremendous amount of stuff ranging from $5 minifigures to the Star Wars Millennium Falcon that costs $850.

In some ways, the Lego section acts is a cultural divide between the hikers and trail enthusiasts, and hunters and fishermen. I mean, everybody loves Lego. There’s a certain dynamic about going to places like Bass Pro Shops or Cabelas or REI. I think it’s pretty obvious to state that each store has its own clientele who have their own political leanings.I’ve never really felt like I belonged at either. I’m not a hyper masculine hunter but I’m also not 165 pound guy named Todd or Chad or Tod (one D only) with a mustache and calf tattoos.

Somehow Scheels is able to appeal to all walks of life. Because, as I ventured past, the Legos moved into the world of camouflage and hunting gear. And forks, I wanted to buy stuff here too, the way I wisely avoided getting a cart when I walked in the store.

I am hunting apparel you’ll find a world or barbecue, in which I definitely feel I belong. It was here that I made my first purchase, choosing one of my favorite BBQ rub that I had not been able to find that I moved to Colorado. In addition was a host of high-end smokers and grills, all of which love me wishing we paid government employees more money.

And then, of course, what is the fire arms section which had hunting rifles and shotguns and pistols and even super expensive Italian shotguns for the trap range. There was of course a large selection of AR-15s just in case you want to pretend that it is 1984 and the Russians and Cubans are invading and you are best friends with Patrick Swayze. But I’m not showing you pics of the guns because they have fricking SWORDS for sell. What. Is. This. Place.

And did I tell you about the restaurant? Perhaps not surprisingly Scheels actually has a barbecue restaurant right inside theWhere you cannot only get smoked meats, but also a healthy supply of jerky. As proof that god herself sent this store to me, it even served Coca-Cola.

Someone asked me on social media last night what part of the store I found most impressive. I’m gonna be serious here for a second and tell you it was actually the customer service. There were tons of employees, all of whom greeted me with a smile. And I’m talking about everybody. People there were so incredibly nice. I found myself stopping and talking to everyone. But I tend to do that anyway.

I think I spent two hours walking around in the store yesterday. I think I emerged spending less than $100 buying a few things for the dog and that barbecue rub. Oddly, I don’t think I even got a real sense of that store in that first 120 minutes. Mostly, I wandered around with my jaw agape as I tend to do. So I know I’ll be back just as soon as I get that government raise.

---

This week on HATM Podcast

Journalist Zack Schonfeld drops in to talk about the life of Nicolas Cage.

---

Tonight on the HATM watch party

We’re watching The Lion King (1994) and talking about the life and legacy of James Earl Jones. You can find it on Disney+. Show starts at 8pm eastern. Hope to see you there.

JWH

1. Ok but where is the rail splitting section. Also, eff it let’s do it now and get it out of the way. Lincoln was from Kentucky.

2. And so ended my affair with redheads. I learned.

3. Driving an hour to do anything is common when you live in Pueblo. I’ve decided I like Colorado (mostly), but Pueblo is where dreams go to die. This town is just awful. The rumors are true.